Life....

As usual...it's been a while.  I think we all know that I am the worlds worst blogger. Let me just tell you...life with 2 toddlers, a husband and 2 dogs to take care of, all while keeping up with a career is rough.  There, I said it...life is rough.  Now, don't get me wrong, rough doesn't mean bad.  It just means, there aren't enough hours in the day.  And it means, this Momma is TIRED!!!

Those of you that haven't walked a mile in my shoes, have no idea how hard it is getting everyone out the door before 6:30am knowing you will not walk back in those doors until 5:30-6 or so that evening.  And when you do walk back in those doors after a long day at work, there is no rest time.  Dinner needs to be cooked, dinner needs to be served, dishes need to be washed, babes need Mommy/Daddy time, babes need to be bathed, babes need to be put to bed, lunches for the next day needs to be prepared, laundry needs to be done...and then, it's all of a sudden 10:00pm.  Oh, and did I mention that we moved to a new house?  And we have boxes upon boxes that still need to be unpacked?  Ha!  Yeah, let me pencil unpacking into my schedule somewhere.  *Yawn*  Sounds exhausting, huh?  But, I have to admit, it's a life I wouldn't trade for anything in the world. 

As exhausting as all of the above sounds, I have the best life.  I can't imagine life any other way at this moment.  I often sit and wonder what in the world I did with all the free time I had before kids.  How boring my life must have been.

Enough about me and how crazy life is, let's talk about the little Sunshine's of my life...

Max...his name means "The Greatest".  People with this name tend to be idealistic, highly imaginative, intuitive, and spiritual. They tend to be visionary and may inspire others. This couldn't be more true when it comes to my Max.  His imagination is as big as the sky.  I love watching him in the moments when he is deep into playtime and seeing his imagination come alive.  He smiles and laughs nearly all hours of the day, and that is such an inspiration in this crazy world we live in. 

He is now 26 months old.  (2 years, 2 months) He is growing like a weed, but is still a bit of a tiny tot weighing in at 24lbs.  Max hasn't been much of a talker outside of basic words..."Momma, Dadda, Mawmaw, Papaw, bye, choo-choo, ball."  We actually went thru testing for autism/asbergers a while back thinking that was the issue.  All tests came back clear, and everyone decided that therapy was the next step to get him talking. So, we are now in speech therapy and he is learning lots of new words.  The 1st thing he learned in therapy was to sign and say "please".  My heart melts when he wants something and sweetly says, "Pweeeeese".  But let's talk about hearts melting for a second...the 1st time he said, "I love you", I wanted to cry.  He's learning lots of good things thanks to our therapists, Brittany & Kelly. 

Ryleigh, aka; Rybug...her name means "Valiant".  The definition of valiant is; possessing or showing determination.  If you know Ryleigh, you know that no words have ever been more true than these words.  She is the most determined child I have ever known.  She will go far in this world.  This girl has "Leader" written all over her.  One of my favorite traits of her is her strong will.  She reminds me so much of myself.  Her will is not one that will easily be broken (and I hope it never is).  I know that because of this strong will, she will not be the type to let people run over her. 

She is now 14 months old.  (1 year, 2 months)  She is so tiny and petite.  She barely weighs 16lbs despite the fact that she can out eat a grown man at every single meal of the day.  If food is around, Rybug is eating.  :) She still wears size 6-9 month clothes, and size 1 shoes.  Speaking of shoes...it's her favorite word these days.  If you go into a store, she starts saying. "shoes" because she wants to go look at the shoes. 

Let's take a moment and talk about her hair.  This hair...it's all over the place.  UNTAMABLE!  Y'all don't even understand.  If I put something in her hair to tie it back out of her eyes, it gets ripped out immediately.  I have to bribe her with food  just to get her to keep a bow in her hair long enough for pictures.  (She apparently gets her love of hair bows from me.)  :)

Enjoy some pictures from the kids birthday party.  Can you believe they are 1 & 2? 

Happy 1st birthday Rybug

Diva

A boy and his trains

Ladybug and Thomas party

And the ride continues...

It's been a while.  That seems to be the 1st sentence of every blog I post doesn't it?  :)  Oh well, I knew when I stepped into the blog world that I wasn't going to be Mrs. Bloggy McBloggerson.

Things have changed, and new roads have been placed in front of us since the last blog.  We found a new RE in Louisville, which means no more 1.5 trip up to Cincy.  We love the new Dr. even more than we loved the Dr.'s at Bethesda.  If you are looking for a RE in the Louisville, KY area, I strongly suggest Dr. Johanna Archer at Fertility First.  She and her entire staff are spectacular!

1st visit with Dr. Archer lasted more than 2.5 hours.  There was never 1 second we were alone waiting to be seen.  She checked us out, went over our medical history and we mapped out our plan to get a Baby(ies).  1st order of business...GET OFF CLOMID!  If you've never been on Clomid, let me tell you, it is the devil's drug.  Just ask Eric he will agree with me...cause after taking it, I became the devil.  ;)

New meds are: Letrazole 1/2 dose & progesterone, then moving on to injectables.  I have to take 1/2 dose because I am very drug intolerant and when I take full dose I create way too many follicles and all future procedures have to be cancelled.  So 1st month on 1/2 dose Letrazole, 3 very good looking follicles, lining perfect, & wouldn't you know it...an OVARIAN CYST!  Grrrr!  Sometimes I can't help but look up into the Heavens and say, "REALLY?"

So here we are...watching an ovarian cyst like a hawk making sure it doesn't burst.  It seems as though this horrible ride we are on will never stop.  All we can do is continue to pray & seek God's will for our lives, whether with our children or child free.

Get me off this roller coaster ride!!!

The land of IF is full of emotional roller coaster rides.  And I HATE it!  Let me repeat that loud enough for all to hear...I HATE IT!

We went to see our new Reproductive Endocrinologist last Thursday and we loved him.  Yes, Cinci is a bit of a drive but the Dr. & his staff were so nice and understanding that it made the drive worth while.  At our visit, during the ultrasound, Dr. H quickly said, " Hmmm...it seems there is something here, but it's too soon to tell."  Something?  What? What is it?  A Baby?  Is it another fibroid?  Oh please don't be another fibroid.  I don't want to go through that surgery again.  Yeah, those were all the things I either said out loud or in my head.  To the things I said out loud, I got the response, "Let's just wait it out, it's too soon to tell.  But if you do end up Pregnant, just keep up whatever it is you did on the car ride up here today."  Eric looks at me, I look at him and we read it in each other's eyes..."Are we?"  "Could it be?"  I have to admit, I felt a little like Jim Carey in Dumb & Dumber..."So you are saying there's a chance!"  LOL!  But only time would tell.

Do you know me?  If you do, then you know I am as impatient as they come.  I don't like being told, "There is something, but we have to wait & see if it's really anything all at." but not telling me what the something may be.  So day 28 came and went and nothing.  Test: NEGATIVE!  Day 29-33 the same, but at this point nausea was present.  Day 34 comes...my orders say, if nothing by day 34 call the office!  So of course in my head I'm thinking that this month is our lucky month.  Before I have a chance to call the Dr., it begins.  As it begins, so do the tears, heartache and everything else that comes along with this crazy roller coaster ride that I am on.  Have I mentioned how much I hate this ride?  Do you want me to yell it for all to hear again?

So, now the real roller coaster ride begins.  It appears that up until this point we have only been on the kiddie roller coaster, but now we are about to step on the one with upside down loopies, twists & turns.  Dr. appointments every 3 days.  Blood drawn every 7 days.  Ultrasounds, medicine, trips to Cinci, the ups, the downs...it all begins.  "I can't do this", I scream looking up to the Heaven's as I am driving home from work.  "I can't go through this heartache anymore!  Why are YOU doing this to me?  What did I ever do to deserve this?"  Yeah, I blamed God a little yesterday.  Okay, okay...I blamed him ALOT!

I sat in my car (in my driveway) & cried & cried & cried.  I blamed God for probably a good 15-20 minutes for what I was going through.  Finally I got tired of the blaming game and just blurted out..."If I am not meant to have children, if it's not in your plan for me, then take the desire away.  Take it away!  Take it away right now!!!  Make me not want children!  Make me not go "awww, I can't wait til I have one" everytime I see a Baby!  Make me not be envious of every single pregnant woman I come in contact with!  Make me not get all sad & weepy every time I pass the Baby section at Target, Walmart, etc..  Take all these feelings away!  Take all of these feelings away right now!  I mean it!  I'm tired of feeling this way!  I MEAN IT!"  Wow, I sure have some nerve talking to God that way, don't I? 

In my Spirit I could here him saying, "But Luci...." but I was too stubborn, too shaken, too heartbroken to listen.  I wasn't in the mood to hear, "It's just not the right time.  It's going to happen SOMEDAY, just not today."  I wasn't in the mood.  If I had stopped to listen, I probably would have not so nicely shouted, "So, you are saying it WAS time for the Mom who threw her Baby in the dumpster behind White Castle in Shelbyville?  It WAS time for the Mom who decided she is too young so she is sitting in the abortion clinic right now?  How is that possible?  I just don't understand!!!"   Have you ever been there?  Have you ever been to the point of not wanting to hear something?  I am sure we all have been to that point with someone or another in our lives.

Later on in the evening, I began to feel bad for my *not so nice* convo with God.  I know deep in my heart that he would never lay more on me that I can carry.  But I think he has far more faith in me than I have in myself.  I fear that I am not strong enough to carry this load and I can't shake the question...Why was I the one chosen to carry this load?  My faith is shaken...it's what infertility does to you! 

I woke up this morning fully believing that my want for children was going to be gone.  Afterall, it's what I asked.  "If I am not meant to have children, if it's not in your plan for me, then take the desire away."  Nope...it was still there!  Is this God's answer?  Is he telling me to just hold on...my time is coming?  Is this his way of confirming with me that I AM meant to have children?  I have a gut feeling that I'm about to be taken in my Heavenly Fathers arms and receive peace & strength for the road we are going to have to travel these next few months.  I also have a feeling that when this road comes to an end, it will be more than 2 of us coming out on the other side!

Tough Decisions...

Basically my Dr. (whom I LOVE) has told me she has done all she can do.  Heartbreaking!  I know she is just a regular OBGYN and she has gone over and above to help us reach our goal...to get pregnant.  She came from the Bethesda Clinic in Cincinnati which is a well known clinic around the world.  So she had some background to perform some procedures.  But as stated above, she has done all she can do!

She referred us to the Bethesda Clinic in Cinci (obviously) because that is where she is familiar and she knows for a fact how they take care of their patients.  I am a person who likes to know my Dr.'s and likes for my Dr.'s to know me.  I call my family Dr., Dr. Mike instead of his last name because we have that type of Dr./Patient relationship.  He knows my Parents, my Brother, my Grandparents.  He knows where we all work, what we do in our spare time and we talk about all of those things at appointments and I love that!  Dr. Nusz is the same way.  I call her office and laugh & cut up with her nurse Diana and thoroughly enjoy (well as much as you can...I guess my point is I don't HATE going.) going to the Dr when I have to go.  I need to have that same relationship with a reproductive endocrinologist as well. 

All of that being said leads me to the title of today's blog.  Dr. Nusz referred us to Bethesda but us being a bit lazy and not wanting to travel made us decide on a clinic in Louisville.  We had a bad experience at one of the Louisville locations when we used them for part of a treatment that Dr. Nusz performed in her office, so we obviously weren't choosing that practice.  We chose the practice closest to us and just assumed that it would be okay.  I made the appointment, filled out the paperwork and we were well on our way.

To get off topic for a moment, I am going to have to explain how this "Tough Decision" came about.  I have a FB friend that I haven't seen since her wedding a few years after we graduated from high school.  She & I were very close, but as most high school friends do; we drifted apart.  Thanks to FB we reconnected but still haven't spoke much to one another.  She recently commented on a FB status of mine which led me to invite her to a Bible Study.  When I called her to give her info about the Bible Study we began to talk about this road thru land of IF that I have been traveling. 

God works in mysterious ways my Friends...You see she has been down this road.  She has felt the ups and dealt with the many, many, many downs.  I told her of our appointment with the new Dr.  She had seen this Dr. and was not pleased with the way people were treated more as "just another patient" instead of like a real person.  *Go up 3 paragraphs and read what I am looking for in a reproductive endocrinologist.* Now, she did not know this, had no idea what I was looking for.  I felt it was a word from the Lord letting me know that we had made the wrong decision.  She went on & on telling me this and that about this Dr. & their facility and the more she talked the more I knew that it just wasn't right.

Then she went on to talk about this wonderful place where she went that she felt so at home, so comfortable.  It just so happen to be the Bethesda Clinic.  Wow...I guess I should have listened to Dr. Nusz all along huh?  :) 

We talked and talked and talked...just as if the last time we saw each other and talked was yesterday.  When I got home I did some research and saw where the Dr. we had initially chosen was dead last in the area for success rates.  This was the final thing I needed to see to make my decision.  Finally the thing I had been fretting over so long *which Dr. to see* seemed so easy to me. 

I am so thankful for the way God moves.  He saw fit to move me to ask a Friend I hadn't seen since the late 90's to go to a Bible study with me.  He also saw fit to have her open up and share a time in her life that was very hard on her both physically & emotionally!  So very thankful for the way God works in our life.  He could have just as easily spoke to me and told me himself, but he chose to bring back an old Friend into my life. 

Disappointment...

6 days late.  I'm NEVER late, so this must mean something right?

Let's start from the beginning...I injured my foot and went to the Dr. to have it seen about.  I didn't really think of anything until my Dr. said, "I need to send you to x-ray, but need to ask you a few questions first.  Are you pregnant?"  "No, we can't seem to have children.  My last period was....Wait, I can't go to x-ray, I'm late, 6 days as a matter of fact!"  My Dr. thought it over and sent me on to x-ray anyways, since it was my foot and if I was pregnant, it shouldn't harm the fetus (if there was one).  By the way, I was probably the only person sitting in Baptist Health care waiting room with a GIGANTIC smile on my face that day! :)

Let's understand this...normally I would be counting down the days of my cycle.  But this particular month was a month in which we had promised each other that we wouldn't think about anything.  I put my journal, calendar, etc. away and just had a month of peace.  Being without all those things made me just lose all track of time when it came to my cycle!


On the way back to work from seeing Dr. Mike, I stopped at CVS for another supply of HPT's.  When you are trying to get pregnant, you buy HPT's like you buy milk, bread, other essentials.  (BTW, I pretty much HATE HPT's!)  I take one, and to my surprise a very FAINT positive sign.  Let me stress FAINT!  But hey, this is as far as we have gotten before...I knew this had to be it!  I called my Dr., she asked me to come in right away for blood work. 

That night, you couldn't wipe the smile off my face.  I was happy, excited, overjoyed. relieved!  :)  Eric, who has kept from showing his sadness over the whole "We can't have children issue", was happy, excited, overjoyed & relieved.  We both felt that this was it, and it was finally OUR time!

This morning seemed to drag on and on as I awaited my Dr. to call me.  Finally the phone rang.  For a second there was just dead air, then I heard her voice..."Luci, your blood work came back.  There was no sign of pregnancy.  I guess you were just one of the unlucky ones who occasionally get a false positive on a HPT."  The dreaded words once again.  Still optimistic I said, "but Dr. Nusz, the results must be wrong.  I am certain this is it."  To which I received, "Luci, blood tests are hardly ever misleading.  There are just no levels of pregnancy hormones in your system." 

I hung up the phone, shut my office door and cried like a Baby!  Got up enough courage to call my Husband and tell him the bad news.  He took it like a champ!  (As always!!!) No sooner did I hang up from my Husband, I called the fertility clinic. (up until now we have only seen my GYN who used to work at the Cincy fertility clinic)  This is a call that has been needed to be made for many, many months but something I always choose to put off.  No more waiting, no more trying this on our own.  From this moment forward, we will do all that we can to become pregnant...NO HOLDING BACK!  No cost, no pain, nothing will be spared.  My poor Husband...in the past when I've been on fertility meds, I've been a complete psychopath.  Seriously!  I hate he is having to go through this with hormonal me!

So now as I sit and write this, I see the huge bruise on my arm which is a result of my blood test and I think of what might have been......

The great step into the unknown...

We've all been there...at the place where we have no clue which way to turn. We are at the point where we are standing at the top of the staircase and it's time to take the 1st step, but we can't see the stairs. What are we to do other than close our eyes and make that step of faith?




I just made an appointment for our 1st meeting to discuss adoption. Adoption is something Eric has always been open to, but me...Well, I'll just be honest, I want a child of my own! Sounds a bit selfish doesn't it? Yeah, I know, it sounds more than a bit selfish...it sounds really selfish! I'm the type of person that I want to spend whatever amount of money it takes to carry a child of my own. But I know my Husband is being rational when he says to me, "But adoption is so much more likely to happen than in-vitro working. Wouldn't you rather pay $15,000 towards adopting a child and knowing you are going to walk away with a child?" I know in my mind he is right, but my heart...my heart wants more. I want to feel my Baby's 1st moves, my Baby's 1st kicks, to see my Baby moving around as they perform the Ultrasounds. Okay, so now all of Blog world knows just how selfish Luci Jameson really is!


Anyways, back to the Adoption seminar. I just signed us up for our 1st ever seminar where we will openly go and talk about adopting a child. Part of me is scared, part of me is happy, part of me is sad. But I know in my heart, this is the avenue in which we must travel if we ever want to share our life with a precious child.


Pray for us...pray God sends us our Baby! :)

What? I'm blogging within a week of my last blog?

Yeah, the title pretty much says it all. :) I said I was going to try this, and try I shall!

Within the last 3 weeks, I have taken up running aka: jogging. (Let's face it; running sounds a bit more athletic.) :) At first, I couldn't jog from my porch to the road, and after a mile of a jog/walk combo I thought I may die. 3 weeks into it; I am jog/walking 3-5 miles daily with at least 1/2 of that distance at a jog/run. I'm not one to take pride in myself, but that my Friends makes me proud!

I haven't seen a difference on the scale which is a bit disappointing (you see, Fertility drugs causes your body to do some crazy things and weight gain is one of them.), but that isn't going to make me give up my new found love. Okay, so love may be too strong of word there...let's just go with new found LIKE!

In my last post I mentioned remodeling our kitchen. Over the weekend, we went and picked out a new cabinent stain color, new tile floor, new counter tops & new paint. Next on our list; a new stainless/black refrigerator & stove. Oh, and did I fail to mention that Eric & my Dad are determined to tear down the wall that seperates the kitchen from the living room? I have mixed emotions on this one, but I am sure the finished product will look wonderful!