Disappointment...

6 days late.  I'm NEVER late, so this must mean something right?

Let's start from the beginning...I injured my foot and went to the Dr. to have it seen about.  I didn't really think of anything until my Dr. said, "I need to send you to x-ray, but need to ask you a few questions first.  Are you pregnant?"  "No, we can't seem to have children.  My last period was....Wait, I can't go to x-ray, I'm late, 6 days as a matter of fact!"  My Dr. thought it over and sent me on to x-ray anyways, since it was my foot and if I was pregnant, it shouldn't harm the fetus (if there was one).  By the way, I was probably the only person sitting in Baptist Health care waiting room with a GIGANTIC smile on my face that day! :)

Let's understand this...normally I would be counting down the days of my cycle.  But this particular month was a month in which we had promised each other that we wouldn't think about anything.  I put my journal, calendar, etc. away and just had a month of peace.  Being without all those things made me just lose all track of time when it came to my cycle!


On the way back to work from seeing Dr. Mike, I stopped at CVS for another supply of HPT's.  When you are trying to get pregnant, you buy HPT's like you buy milk, bread, other essentials.  (BTW, I pretty much HATE HPT's!)  I take one, and to my surprise a very FAINT positive sign.  Let me stress FAINT!  But hey, this is as far as we have gotten before...I knew this had to be it!  I called my Dr., she asked me to come in right away for blood work. 

That night, you couldn't wipe the smile off my face.  I was happy, excited, overjoyed. relieved!  :)  Eric, who has kept from showing his sadness over the whole "We can't have children issue", was happy, excited, overjoyed & relieved.  We both felt that this was it, and it was finally OUR time!

This morning seemed to drag on and on as I awaited my Dr. to call me.  Finally the phone rang.  For a second there was just dead air, then I heard her voice..."Luci, your blood work came back.  There was no sign of pregnancy.  I guess you were just one of the unlucky ones who occasionally get a false positive on a HPT."  The dreaded words once again.  Still optimistic I said, "but Dr. Nusz, the results must be wrong.  I am certain this is it."  To which I received, "Luci, blood tests are hardly ever misleading.  There are just no levels of pregnancy hormones in your system." 

I hung up the phone, shut my office door and cried like a Baby!  Got up enough courage to call my Husband and tell him the bad news.  He took it like a champ!  (As always!!!) No sooner did I hang up from my Husband, I called the fertility clinic. (up until now we have only seen my GYN who used to work at the Cincy fertility clinic)  This is a call that has been needed to be made for many, many months but something I always choose to put off.  No more waiting, no more trying this on our own.  From this moment forward, we will do all that we can to become pregnant...NO HOLDING BACK!  No cost, no pain, nothing will be spared.  My poor Husband...in the past when I've been on fertility meds, I've been a complete psychopath.  Seriously!  I hate he is having to go through this with hormonal me!

So now as I sit and write this, I see the huge bruise on my arm which is a result of my blood test and I think of what might have been......