The land of IF is full of emotional roller coaster rides. And I HATE it! Let me repeat that loud enough for all to hear...I HATE IT!
We went to see our new Reproductive Endocrinologist last Thursday and we loved him. Yes, Cinci is a bit of a drive but the Dr. & his staff were so nice and understanding that it made the drive worth while. At our visit, during the ultrasound, Dr. H quickly said, " Hmmm...it seems there is something here, but it's too soon to tell." Something? What? What is it? A Baby? Is it another fibroid? Oh please don't be another fibroid. I don't want to go through that surgery again. Yeah, those were all the things I either said out loud or in my head. To the things I said out loud, I got the response, "Let's just wait it out, it's too soon to tell. But if you do end up Pregnant, just keep up whatever it is you did on the car ride up here today." Eric looks at me, I look at him and we read it in each other's eyes..."Are we?" "Could it be?" I have to admit, I felt a little like Jim Carey in Dumb & Dumber..."So you are saying there's a chance!" LOL! But only time would tell.
Do you know me? If you do, then you know I am as impatient as they come. I don't like being told, "There is something, but we have to wait & see if it's really anything all at." but not telling me what the something may be. So day 28 came and went and nothing. Test: NEGATIVE! Day 29-33 the same, but at this point nausea was present. Day 34 comes...my orders say, if nothing by day 34 call the office! So of course in my head I'm thinking that this month is our lucky month. Before I have a chance to call the Dr., it begins. As it begins, so do the tears, heartache and everything else that comes along with this crazy roller coaster ride that I am on. Have I mentioned how much I hate this ride? Do you want me to yell it for all to hear again?
So, now the real roller coaster ride begins. It appears that up until this point we have only been on the kiddie roller coaster, but now we are about to step on the one with upside down loopies, twists & turns. Dr. appointments every 3 days. Blood drawn every 7 days. Ultrasounds, medicine, trips to Cinci, the ups, the downs...it all begins. "I can't do this", I scream looking up to the Heaven's as I am driving home from work. "I can't go through this heartache anymore! Why are YOU doing this to me? What did I ever do to deserve this?" Yeah, I blamed God a little yesterday. Okay, okay...I blamed him ALOT!
I sat in my car (in my driveway) & cried & cried & cried. I blamed God for probably a good 15-20 minutes for what I was going through. Finally I got tired of the blaming game and just blurted out..."If I am not meant to have children, if it's not in your plan for me, then take the desire away. Take it away! Take it away right now!!! Make me not want children! Make me not go "awww, I can't wait til I have one" everytime I see a Baby! Make me not be envious of every single pregnant woman I come in contact with! Make me not get all sad & weepy every time I pass the Baby section at Target, Walmart, etc.. Take all these feelings away! Take all of these feelings away right now! I mean it! I'm tired of feeling this way! I MEAN IT!" Wow, I sure have some nerve talking to God that way, don't I?
In my Spirit I could here him saying, "But Luci...." but I was too stubborn, too shaken, too heartbroken to listen. I wasn't in the mood to hear, "It's just not the right time. It's going to happen SOMEDAY, just not today." I wasn't in the mood. If I had stopped to listen, I probably would have not so nicely shouted, "So, you are saying it WAS time for the Mom who threw her Baby in the dumpster behind White Castle in Shelbyville? It WAS time for the Mom who decided she is too young so she is sitting in the abortion clinic right now? How is that possible? I just don't understand!!!" Have you ever been there? Have you ever been to the point of not wanting to hear something? I am sure we all have been to that point with someone or another in our lives.
Later on in the evening, I began to feel bad for my *not so nice* convo with God. I know deep in my heart that he would never lay more on me that I can carry. But I think he has far more faith in me than I have in myself. I fear that I am not strong enough to carry this load and I can't shake the question...Why was I the one chosen to carry this load? My faith is shaken...it's what infertility does to you!
I woke up this morning fully believing that my want for children was going to be gone. Afterall, it's what I asked. "If I am not meant to have children, if it's not in your plan for me, then take the desire away." Nope...it was still there! Is this God's answer? Is he telling me to just hold on...my time is coming? Is this his way of confirming with me that I AM meant to have children? I have a gut feeling that I'm about to be taken in my Heavenly Fathers arms and receive peace & strength for the road we are going to have to travel these next few months. I also have a feeling that when this road comes to an end, it will be more than 2 of us coming out on the other side!
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