Tough Decisions...

Basically my Dr. (whom I LOVE) has told me she has done all she can do.  Heartbreaking!  I know she is just a regular OBGYN and she has gone over and above to help us reach our goal...to get pregnant.  She came from the Bethesda Clinic in Cincinnati which is a well known clinic around the world.  So she had some background to perform some procedures.  But as stated above, she has done all she can do!

She referred us to the Bethesda Clinic in Cinci (obviously) because that is where she is familiar and she knows for a fact how they take care of their patients.  I am a person who likes to know my Dr.'s and likes for my Dr.'s to know me.  I call my family Dr., Dr. Mike instead of his last name because we have that type of Dr./Patient relationship.  He knows my Parents, my Brother, my Grandparents.  He knows where we all work, what we do in our spare time and we talk about all of those things at appointments and I love that!  Dr. Nusz is the same way.  I call her office and laugh & cut up with her nurse Diana and thoroughly enjoy (well as much as you can...I guess my point is I don't HATE going.) going to the Dr when I have to go.  I need to have that same relationship with a reproductive endocrinologist as well. 

All of that being said leads me to the title of today's blog.  Dr. Nusz referred us to Bethesda but us being a bit lazy and not wanting to travel made us decide on a clinic in Louisville.  We had a bad experience at one of the Louisville locations when we used them for part of a treatment that Dr. Nusz performed in her office, so we obviously weren't choosing that practice.  We chose the practice closest to us and just assumed that it would be okay.  I made the appointment, filled out the paperwork and we were well on our way.

To get off topic for a moment, I am going to have to explain how this "Tough Decision" came about.  I have a FB friend that I haven't seen since her wedding a few years after we graduated from high school.  She & I were very close, but as most high school friends do; we drifted apart.  Thanks to FB we reconnected but still haven't spoke much to one another.  She recently commented on a FB status of mine which led me to invite her to a Bible Study.  When I called her to give her info about the Bible Study we began to talk about this road thru land of IF that I have been traveling. 

God works in mysterious ways my Friends...You see she has been down this road.  She has felt the ups and dealt with the many, many, many downs.  I told her of our appointment with the new Dr.  She had seen this Dr. and was not pleased with the way people were treated more as "just another patient" instead of like a real person.  *Go up 3 paragraphs and read what I am looking for in a reproductive endocrinologist.* Now, she did not know this, had no idea what I was looking for.  I felt it was a word from the Lord letting me know that we had made the wrong decision.  She went on & on telling me this and that about this Dr. & their facility and the more she talked the more I knew that it just wasn't right.

Then she went on to talk about this wonderful place where she went that she felt so at home, so comfortable.  It just so happen to be the Bethesda Clinic.  Wow...I guess I should have listened to Dr. Nusz all along huh?  :) 

We talked and talked and talked...just as if the last time we saw each other and talked was yesterday.  When I got home I did some research and saw where the Dr. we had initially chosen was dead last in the area for success rates.  This was the final thing I needed to see to make my decision.  Finally the thing I had been fretting over so long *which Dr. to see* seemed so easy to me. 

I am so thankful for the way God moves.  He saw fit to move me to ask a Friend I hadn't seen since the late 90's to go to a Bible study with me.  He also saw fit to have her open up and share a time in her life that was very hard on her both physically & emotionally!  So very thankful for the way God works in our life.  He could have just as easily spoke to me and told me himself, but he chose to bring back an old Friend into my life. 

Disappointment...

6 days late.  I'm NEVER late, so this must mean something right?

Let's start from the beginning...I injured my foot and went to the Dr. to have it seen about.  I didn't really think of anything until my Dr. said, "I need to send you to x-ray, but need to ask you a few questions first.  Are you pregnant?"  "No, we can't seem to have children.  My last period was....Wait, I can't go to x-ray, I'm late, 6 days as a matter of fact!"  My Dr. thought it over and sent me on to x-ray anyways, since it was my foot and if I was pregnant, it shouldn't harm the fetus (if there was one).  By the way, I was probably the only person sitting in Baptist Health care waiting room with a GIGANTIC smile on my face that day! :)

Let's understand this...normally I would be counting down the days of my cycle.  But this particular month was a month in which we had promised each other that we wouldn't think about anything.  I put my journal, calendar, etc. away and just had a month of peace.  Being without all those things made me just lose all track of time when it came to my cycle!


On the way back to work from seeing Dr. Mike, I stopped at CVS for another supply of HPT's.  When you are trying to get pregnant, you buy HPT's like you buy milk, bread, other essentials.  (BTW, I pretty much HATE HPT's!)  I take one, and to my surprise a very FAINT positive sign.  Let me stress FAINT!  But hey, this is as far as we have gotten before...I knew this had to be it!  I called my Dr., she asked me to come in right away for blood work. 

That night, you couldn't wipe the smile off my face.  I was happy, excited, overjoyed. relieved!  :)  Eric, who has kept from showing his sadness over the whole "We can't have children issue", was happy, excited, overjoyed & relieved.  We both felt that this was it, and it was finally OUR time!

This morning seemed to drag on and on as I awaited my Dr. to call me.  Finally the phone rang.  For a second there was just dead air, then I heard her voice..."Luci, your blood work came back.  There was no sign of pregnancy.  I guess you were just one of the unlucky ones who occasionally get a false positive on a HPT."  The dreaded words once again.  Still optimistic I said, "but Dr. Nusz, the results must be wrong.  I am certain this is it."  To which I received, "Luci, blood tests are hardly ever misleading.  There are just no levels of pregnancy hormones in your system." 

I hung up the phone, shut my office door and cried like a Baby!  Got up enough courage to call my Husband and tell him the bad news.  He took it like a champ!  (As always!!!) No sooner did I hang up from my Husband, I called the fertility clinic. (up until now we have only seen my GYN who used to work at the Cincy fertility clinic)  This is a call that has been needed to be made for many, many months but something I always choose to put off.  No more waiting, no more trying this on our own.  From this moment forward, we will do all that we can to become pregnant...NO HOLDING BACK!  No cost, no pain, nothing will be spared.  My poor Husband...in the past when I've been on fertility meds, I've been a complete psychopath.  Seriously!  I hate he is having to go through this with hormonal me!

So now as I sit and write this, I see the huge bruise on my arm which is a result of my blood test and I think of what might have been......